Smith: Not worried about any split ends
The battle against malaria is drawing near, and every gentleman is expected to do his duty. And the man who has taken on the mantle of leadership, of rallying the forces, of directing the forces of Steds to victory, is Jacob Smith. An athletic powerhouse from Michigan, this sophomore is not taking his position lightly. But enough from me, let's hear from Smith himself and his plans for the fast approaching war.
St. Ed: How did you come to take command of the Hall’s campaign against malaria?
Smith: I don't want to get caught up in the details, but it was basically a 6-month long gruelling process of increasingly difficult tasks put on by last year's commanders, Swift and Herlihy. I was lucky enough to make it through the process without the dishonor of my hair being cut prematurely, so here I am.
St.Ed: As you draw up your battle plans, will you employ the “strategery” of past leaders?
Smith: As we all know, we have had some of the brightest strategic minds of all time lead us into battle in past years, but there is always a need for innovation. The main change from past years that is not still classified is that of the incorporation of a new haircut development process.
St.Ed: Are there any secret weapons you plan to deploy in this year’s battle?
Smith: There is a secret weapon that will be of utmost importance this year. It will take a multiple person effort to accomplish, but if it is pulled off, this just may be the most successful year of all time. This so-called "Mullet-hattan Project" cannot be overlooked.
St. Ed: How would you respond to nay sayers that this fight is not winnable?
Smith: To even let such a thought creep in your brain, just shows that you're weak-willed, and that is not the type of soldier we need for this fight. Luckily enough, we have this multitude of gentlemen that could not possibly think that way. If you tried to win this same battle with men from Zahm or Sorin, well, better luck next year.
St. Ed: If you had to create a stirring, yet pithy, slogan for the war effort, something that you could slap on a poster or the back of a shirt, what would that be?
Smith: "A Hairstyle That Never Fails: Grow More Mullets"
You too can join the fight! More information coming soon.
